Adventures in Hypnosis and Psychic Experiences, Part 3

The Beginning Brings Gifts Once You See It

To understand this, you need to first listen to this song. Go on, I’ll wait (unless you already know this song, then by all means keep reading).

The lyrics I am focusing on for this story are:

I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands, drive another nail in
Just what God needs, one more victim

Why do we, crucify ourselves, every day?
I crucify myself and nothing I do is good enough for you
I crucify myself, every day
I crucify myself
My heart is sick of being
I said my heart is sick of being in chains, oh-oh

(and)

Got a kick for a dog, begging for love
I gotta have myself a ring so that I can have my cross
I know a cat named Easter, he says "Will you ever learn?"
You're just an empty cage, girl, if you kill the bird

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If you’ve read the first two parts of this series, let’s recap. I took 4 hypnosis sessions with an awesome pagan therapist. She’s amazing. Being a medium-in-training and an strong emotional empath, this was transforming, knocking out all of those walls in my head. While my trauma therapy is with an actual licensed therapist and psychiatrist, and that keeps me stable, the hypnotherapy dug in deep and didn’t/hasn’t let go since. Many strides and revelations later, a sense of calm has descended ever since and things are….kinda OK. No, really, smaller things don’t bother me as much as they used to. The microcosm of chaos has been minimized to what needs to be addressed, rather than fretting over unnecessary bullshit.

A year and a half ago, I started the scariest journey in my adulthood so far, with the exception of Saturn Return (early 30’s). I just turned 45 yesterday. It definitely has me thinking where the time went, that I feel old, and 15 years has passed since that dark time. My mother passed away, I was dating a completely inappropriately older man (my Saturn Return lesson), hanging out in LA Goth clubs, drinking, and having both too much fun and suffering between those moments. Something had to give, and I did that by breaking up with Voldemort (the ex’s official name), the LA club life, and straightened out. Went back on meds, got my head in the right place.

So that’s the place that showed me that I needed work, repressed trauma from my younger years. I tried to move forward and put it all behind me. It creeps like kudzu vines in my brain, squeezing periodically to remind me that I am still a broken person. How about some healing? Some peace? Some accountability? Literally the scariest thing I have ever faced - myself.

In November of 2022, I started real therapy. Big girl therapy. No more bullshit, own it and work on it. I was in crisis by the time I found my therapist. Shortly after, I was instructed to find a yoga class, and I found the perfect one - kundalini yoga. Get that stuck energy moving, girl! I went to that class having no idea what to expect, except that it would be heavy on meditation while holding body positions for extended periods of time and incorporate intense breathing. Sure, haven’t been in a yoga class in years, so let’s dive right in. No time like the present. In between my legs, arms, and core burning from holding what seemed like torturous body positions for multiple minutes at a time, we did was was called the “dragon breath”. This is a series of quick, short bursts of breaths expanding the diaphragm down so much that the bully fully extends in and out, all while alternating the flow of breath (IN through the nose, and OUT through the mouth). This goes really fast, and somehow it puts you in a physical meditation. It it the equivalent to pushing energy through all your limbs using only your breathe. Crazy.

In this meditative state, my head finally settled a bit. My mediumship abilities kicked in, finally, because I let go. I found it was cowering in the farthest corners of my brain, scared away by the scary trauma and negative thoughts. In front of that, The Great Wall of China was keeping it all there, not letting peace settle in my body. All stress and anxiety. Then, Tori Amos sang for me for the first time (and not the last by any means). Silent All These Years looped in my head so loud I had issues focusing on the yoga happening around me.

If you want to hear the song, video is below:

I was brought to tears. The chorus wrapped around my brain with an insistent urgency, telling me: LISTEN!!!! USE YOUR VOICE!!!! My body was buzzing with energy, surrounded by my guides urging me to pay attention to this. It is time to address the issues, speak up, own it. Specifically, this is what really tore through:

Years go by, will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by, if I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds raining in my head
Years go by, will I choke on my tears
'Til, finally there is nothing left
One more casualty, you know we're too easy, easy, easy

I walked out that yoga class with an elated high I had not felt for a long time. It wasn’t that I felt healed, but the door cracked open just a bit to break through the darkness. When I told my therapist about the session, as it was an official homework assignment, I read the lyrics to her and couldn’t get through reading it without utterly breaking down in a healthy sob. The floodgates were now open.

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Tori visited my meditations and hypnosis sessions multiple times over the next year. Her words have a heavy weight on my heart, and it seems to speak the words I can’t always find. I have already told those stories in Part 1 and 2. The latest installment of Tori’s words happened in my mediumship course, “Signs and Symbols in Spirit Communication”, earlier this month. During this course, we are led through a series of meditations to open our minds to receiving messages with our spirit guides and those on the “other side”. In the meditation, we climb a ladder that is symbolically climbing high into the sky out of our head. Our perception and energy is to be spread out as far as we can go to receive any messages. We climb the ladder very high into the sky, up to the clouds. Climbing on top of the cloud, we meet those on the other side, and for me this was my entire maternal lineage that had passed away - my mother, my aunt (her sister), and my grandmother (their mother). I was so upset. I laid down in a fetal position at my mother’s feet, and all I can think is “I’ve lost my lineage”. They looked down at me, and then transformed into swirling traces of pure healing spirit. I was surrounded by them circling my body as I laid there, still in a fetal position and upset. Then, I felt true surrender. My guide, Pan (yes, the God) and the grey wolf ( I now know her has “Alandra”), came in with their own energy - lifting me up to my feet, covering me in white, healing light. My wolf sat next to me, and I went onto my hands and knees - she howled with me, teaching me that there is strength there, and to be fierce always.

The next meditation was to exchange a language of symbols we can use with our guides. Up the ladder again, the same way, the same place. Pan was waiting for me there. He showed me an Ankh, and I showed him something unexpected - a birdcage, black vintage, with a red rose inside it so big it almost fills the whole space. Tori came in strong.

Remember the lyrics from Crucify? I promise this isn’t a test.

I know a cat named Easter, he says "Will you ever learn?"
You're just an empty cage, girl, if you kill the bird.

There are reasons a birdcage may have come up. I have a tarot deck with an illustration of “The Devil”, below:

The birdcage in the card is the exact cage I saw. I also just had surgery, a hysterectomy, and the idea of the cage was now “empty”, and the red rose represented immense love. Tori’s singing is LOUD, looping the song lyrics.

The next meditation, up the ladder to the cloud again, had us focus on music. Tori was already there, from the last one. She never left. I saw just my mother this time. This time, she helped me up the side of the cloud to my feet, as one would do when you climb out of a swimming pool using a side ladder on the wall. I sat at her feet like a child, looking up at her, and seeing her eyes look down at me. Pan is there, and lifts me fully up to my feet. Crucify is at volume 11 in my head at this point, and the focus was this part, even though the entire song seemed to on an infinite loop:

I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands, drive another nail in
Just what God needs, one more victim

I opened the little swing door on the cage, making space for healing and increasing love in my life. No more playing a victim or being a victim. I never realized I attributed some of my trauma issues as victimhood, but yes, it is absolutely true. I did it unconsciously. No more.

To close out the session, we went up the ladder one more time, to discover what sign and symbol we need most right now. The answer was quite simple - I went onto my cloud, and it was empty. I laid down on my back and looked up to the sky above. Everything was white, peaceful, and calm. A perfect ending to this crazy adventure with my guides. I learned so much, and I am going to try my best to listen and activate this in my waking life.

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Hey! This is a series!